The Lowdown: Middleman

Interviewed in person at Leeds Fest

November 7, 2009, 09:09 PM

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by LBee [More from this Author]

I approached Middleman as they've built themselves an impressive fan base in Leeds, so I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. Apparently it's about raving, turning 30 and waking up in trees.

Altsounds: Let's do some introductions.
Slurpy: Hello I’m Slurpy and its my 30th birthday today.

Altsounds: Oh happy birthday, do you want some gum?
Slurpy: Er, no I’m quite happy with the cider.

Altsounds: And your name?
Andy: My name's Andy.

Altsounds: Do you want some gum?
Andy: Well, its not my birthday but if I’m still entitled to some birthday gum then yeah.

Altsounds: Ok, you can have a piece. What’s your name?
Lee: Ruddigah...

Altsounds: Ruddiga? That’s not you're real name, I just looked it up in the brochure.
Lee: [Laughing] I know I just wish my name was Ruddigah. My real name is Lee.
Krish: Hi I’m Krish, I’m nowhere near 30.
[All laugh]

Altsounds: Ok, so I hear you guys entered competitions and you won yourself this spot...
Andy: Yeah yeah, we won the future sound competition in Leeds which, basically, you send a couple of MP3's and they pick 30 bands to play in a live battle of the bands type thing and from all those bands five got to go play Leeds and Reading and we won it so we got to play on the festival republic stage.

Altsounds: So you’ve done both now?
Andy: Yeah we did Reading on the Friday and Leeds just now.

Altsounds: And you're from Leeds?
Lee: The bands from Leeds. Yeah.
Krish: But were all Midlanders.

Altsounds: Ok, so if I wanted to go to the Midlands where would I go to rock out?
ALL: Nowhere, don’t go there!
Andy: No no no!! Don’t go there.
Krish: That’s why we moved here, you'll never come back alive.
Krish: Maybe hire yourself a motel for the weekend and a stereo.
Andy: If you're looking for some anger, frustration and violence then yeah, get down there, have a few scraps.
Andy: The thing that Northerners and Southerners don’t understand is that without the Midlands there would be a massive civil war, we're kind of like a buffer in the middle.

Altsounds: I agree with that.
Andy: And we suffer the arrogance of the Southerners against the Northerners and the displeasure of the Northerners against the Southerners. We're just outcasts.
Slurpy: Constantly on the fence!
Krish: We're not outcasts, we're Middleman!

Altsounds: I like it!
Slurpy: I don’t! It's shit! Ha ha ha!

Altsounds: So, what's your favourite joke?
Krish: What’s the difference between a bottle and carpet...They’re just really different.
All: Ha ha ha!
Lee: Why did the toddler die?
All: You can't do that one you cant!
Lee: Stoned to death by hornets!
All: Ha ha ha!
Slurpy: I was just saying we can't do any bad ones.
Lee: Ok ok, I got another one, why did the monkey fall out the tree?

Altsounds: Cos it was dead?
Lee: Gas leak.
All: Ha ha ha!
Andy: Ok I'll do another one that we can say. There’s two fish in a tank, one goes, "OK, I’m driving, you do the guns." And another one, "Errrr, I’ve been struggling a bit with my sexual performance, so I decided I'd get some viagra, but because I’m really hardcore I put it in my eye cos I wanted to get it in my bloodstream as quickly as possible. It didn’t help with the sex, but I looked real hard."

Altsounds: Oh god....
[silence]
Andy: We're better with the offensive ones aint we?
Lee: Why did the lion fall out the tree...Parkinsons.
All: Ha ha ha
Andy: I'll give you one, what’s the difference between an egg and a wank?

Altsounds: I don’t know.
Andy: You can beat an egg.
All: Ha ha ha!
Andy: Can you use that one?

Altsounds: Yep, I can use them all, that’s the pleasure of being with Altsounds.
Lee: There’s more but they just get darker from here on in.
Andy: We’ve got this new game called 'say really bad things and then laugh at them'

Altsounds: Oh dear, I think we should move on! What was the turning point when you thought, this is it, this is what I want to do?
Krish: Right....
[Silence...then all laugh]

Altsounds: You’ve still got my gum!
Andy: You fucking gave me this!!
[All laugh]

Altsounds: I Meant a piece!
Andy: Where I’m from if someone goes, 'Oi do you want this?' and they give it you and then they go 'Oi I want it back' ...Anyway I haven’t had any yet!

Altsounds: Ok ok!
Lee: Anyway! I think within about two weeks of starting the band to be honest, we got together and we'd all been in other bands for years and quite enjoyed ourselves but then when we all got together it was instantly like...oh! This is easy!
Andy: These two, Slurpy and Lee, got me round and interviewed me I guess. Working interview I guess. Lee’s just wet himself there!
Lee: Don’t film my crotch!!!
Krish: Oooo sex wee!

At this point a festival organiser asked if they could cover another slot as a band couldn't play, so they ran off, but met back up with me later.

Altsounds: So, you got whisked away to do an emergency gig how was it?
Krish: Amazing.
Slurpy: Really good.
Lee: Fucking brilliant.

Altsounds: Was it! Bigger crowd?
Slurpy: No no.

Altsounds: No?
Slurpy: They were up for it and we just played a hell of a lot better, we just played all our raucous ones and it was just ace, got banging through them, was slightly too comfortable!
Krish: Sounds good though doesn’t it, it was like an adhesive.

Altsounds: So Reading or Leeds?
All: Leeds, Leeds, Yorkshire, Yorkshire! Leeds Leeds, Leeds, Yorkshire, Yorkshire!

Altsounds: Ok, so if I were a princess...[eager mumbling] wait for it! and I was trapped in a tower...
Lee: What would we do to you?
All: Easy, easy!

Altsounds: How would you RESCUE me!?
Andy: Err, dunno, how long's your hair? Oh, that long...well it's not going to be a Rapunzel type job is it? To be honest its not the most ideal way of rescue anyway.
Slurpy: Maybe if I look up you could climb down my massive nose?
All: Ha ha ha!
Lee: I'd just take these [shows biceps] and knock the bricks out... just punch them all out like Tetris style. I'd knock 'em down, knock 'em down, knock 'em down, knock 'em down, knock 'em down, knock 'em down, knock 'em down, knock 'em down...
Slurpy: You're stuck in a loop man!
Lee: ...and when I get there, you’d probably be too pretty and be like [shakes head with eyes closed and pretends to cry] then just burst into flames.
All: Whoa! Ha ha ha!
Slurpy: I like that. I’m proud of you!
Andy: I would lay these three down in a row and shout jump and you could use them as a cushion.

Altsounds: How about you?
Krish: I'd call the police, they’d probably do it by the book to be honest. I'd probably get the fire ambulance.
Slurpy: What the hell's one of them?
Krish: Yeah I'd make sure the ambulance was on fire so it was going pretty fast. Then I'd get the fire brigade to put a ladder up, maybe check out the structural stability of the building.

Altsounds: Fantastic! If you were on death row what would be your last meal?
Slurpy: X-large bacon double cheese burger and a chicken royal with cheese.
Krish: A salad just so I could die healthy.
Lee: I’m a steak man, I'd go for a rare steak with chips, but not like crap chips, home-made chips with salad, vinaigrette on the side.
Andy: Ohh! You’d well get your steak from a famous cow.
Lee: You’re not listening to what I’m saying are you, you don’t care what I have to say! I’m, I’m gonna fuck you up!

[All laugh]

Andy: I would have really massive massive bag of quality skag.

[All laugh]

Andy: Cos, Cos... nah I wouldn’t really but I'd want to go out with a bang, they’d have to do it anyway, law goes out of the window at that point, I’d eat the needles glass first as well. I mean, I’ve never had it but I’ve heard its quite more-ish and if you’re gong to die anyway, why not have a bit of fun with it? It's better than getting electrocuted, that doesn’t strike me as the most fun way to die.

Lee: You know how skag is brown? You could have what I’m talking about and then maybe make a skag gravy.
Slurpy: Or maybe some smack cakes?
Krish: I've got a really good idea, you could swallow loads of bulbs and then when you die you glow up.

Altsounds: Tell me something crazy you've got up to.
Lee: Like in the past day or so WHEN THE FIRE ENGINE CAME!
Andy: Nah we’ve done that one.
Andy: Most involve like passing out, whether its passing out stood up at a urinal at a festival...
Slurpy: There’s nothing quite as impressive as waking up in a cowboy position...
Andy: Yeah like pistols at dawn kind of thing, with a phone in one hand, that was a bit crazy.
Slurpy: I’ve woken up in a tree over a river.
Lee: OH but I nearly nearly poo'ed myself at a wedding.
Slurpy: What what? Sorry that got my attention, like what the hell happened yesterday?
Lee: Shut up this is serious [Slaps Slurpy]. I went to a wedding when doing the festivals and just had an awkward moment. I thought it was a fart!
Andy: Did you fart with too much confidence?
Lee: I was like, no ones around me right now, I’m gonna heave this baby out and just at the last minute I was like...NO!!! - Withhold information!
Andy: In case you missed it the whole pistol whip thing at dawn and falling asleep over a river was pretty awesome.
Lee: Basically we went to a rave, did loads of drugs and he [Slurpy] woke up in a tree.
Slurpy: Literally I was hanging there with my arms up and my legs dangling down, like a bear.
Lee: Like Bagheera! Bagheeraaaaaaa!
Slurpy: There was no clear path on how I got there, just loads and loads of nettles, it was terrifying!
Andy: You're so rock n roll, like Keith Harris or something.
Slurpy: Keith Harris - He thinks he’s Rod Stewart.
[All laugh]

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