Rock Reality Show Recap: Perez Rips a Britney Photo, Brings the Diss Track on ?Celebr

 

September 14, 2007, 08:06 PM

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Every week on Celebrity Rap Superstar, an odd mixture of C-list stars test their skills (or lack thereof) on the mic, while Rock Daily’s Rock Reality Show Recaps of the series test our skills at analyzing some really awful hip-hop. Here’s our third report:

Sixty Mic-Rockin’ Minutes in Four Sentences: For the episode airing on the anniversary of Tupac’s death, the seven remaining contestants wrote original songs. Countess Vaughn boasted she was “rollin’ through the hood with Warren G” and had “more booty than Beyoncé.” While Shar Jackson busted out a mediocre, teary-eyed testimony to a life hounded by paparazzi, Playboy bunny Kendra Wilkinson failed at her attempt to “verbally rip them a new *******” and resorted to pop lockin’ droppin’ like a pre-schooler running back to her mom on the first day of school (evidently, “I didn’t take my shot of Patron, man”). Perez Hilton tore his competitors apart with his royal blogging wit, Jason Wahler resorted to magnetic-poetry-level rhymes, and Sebastian Bach wore a Tupac muscle T while tossing his backwards hat back in the ring.
8-Mile Moment: Perez Hilton pulled a Sinead O’Connor with an epic diss track that he ended by ripping a picture of Britney Spears’ VMAs “Gimme More” performance in half — after he licked it. His vaguely OMC-style rap hit every celebrity on the show with a well-placed rhyme, including “I’ve got mad skills, better than that dude from The Hills” and “I’m a queen of all media / I’ll drop more knowledge than an encyclopedia.” Perez, in a shorts suit, even attempted to out Da Brat (she responded by saying something about his mama). After all three judges praised his performance, Perez shouted, “Britney Spears should retire” with a Superstar bow.
Hip-Hop Hilarity: The hook “I’m a baaaalllleeer / I’m Jason Waaahler” pretty much speaks for itself. Wahler’s continued presence on the show shows that he has a curiously strong fanbase (and still no skills). Continuing to dance like an orangutan being tasered, Wahler had the nerve (or just cluelessness) to spit rhymes such as, “I’m a troublemaker reppin’ Orange County” and “the kid from The Hills with the skills to pay the bills.” DMC accused Jason of trying to “decapitate” hip-hop and Big Boy suggested, “If rhyme were a crime you would be facing more time.”
The Final Verse: Sebastian Back and Efren Ramirez were the bottom two contestants and gave their all for the deciding performance. Efren gave the rapping equivalent of Naomi Campbell’s runway dive, falling on his face with a confused angry rap including rhymes such as, “My name is Efren / Don’t ever call me Pedro.” Sebastian Bach redeemed himself with his spot-on original “One for the Money” where he “rocked” our faces “like a chandelier” and said “I can’t wait until we get done / so I can have a ****ing beer.” The judges unanimously chose Bach to continue the competition and sent Efren home. Ramirez gave an Academy Award-worthy goodbye speech thanking both Tupac and hip-hop in general before host K. Hart kicked him and mentor Bizarre off the stage. Six contestants are left in this carnival show, and until next week we’ll just have “I’m a baaaaaaaller / I’m Jason Waaaahler” in our heads to hold us over.


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