Every week on Celebrity Rap Superstar
, an odd mixture of C-list stars test their skills (or lack thereof) on the mic, while Rock Daily’s Rock Reality Show Recaps of the series test our skills at analyzing some really awful hip-hop. Here’s our sixth report: Sixty Minutes in Four Sentences: As MTV hostess Liz Hernandez philosophized, this episode of
Celebrity Rap Superstar was “the tougher show of all.” With Guinness World Record-winning rapper Twista guest judging, the celebrity rappers tried to match the duration of their fame by delivering the speediest raps in the shortest amounts of time. Perez Hilton hit the stage for “Still Not a Player” with an overburdened Big Wheels Caddie (which Da Brat noted “was going kinda slow”) followed by a team of baton-swirling F.B.I. strippers while Sebastian Bach pulled off OutKast’s “B.O.B.,” and even though he was riding the asthma attack wave close to the end, he earned devil horns from all three judges. Closing the curtain on amateur night, Twista sped through a bleeped song powered by subtle hook “that girl want to give it up.”
8-Mile Moment: In the most “Like Woah” performance of the season, Shar Jackson blew up Twista’s own “Overnight Celebrity” with genuine professional skill. Whatever B-list rap muse is guiding the show down the River Styx of cable decided to bless it with one inspirational, actual superstar-worthy performance. Jackson burst out surrounded by a harem of dancers and hit every word like a hammer (the John Henry kind, not MC). Operating in autodrive, Jackson suspended oxygen intake and delivered flawlessly, even getting Da Brat off her feet. Finally getting her due from America’s voters, Shar should have next week’s top spot easily.
Hip-Hop Hilarity: Kendra Wilkinson performed Ludacris’ “Fantasy” in retort to the host’s mostly inappropriate query, “Can Kendra move her mouth as fast as she moves her booty?” The playmate rapped into an oversized lollipop, inserting androgynous grunts whenever she forgot the words (so, that was often). But the most distracting touchdown of the Wilkinson twister was her fabric sample-sized ensemble coupled with gravity-defying side ponytails. It was like uncomfortably watching the drunk girl at the Halloween party who thought the slutty schoolgirl costume was a good idea and then had to drink herself into oblivion to make up for her lack of foresight. And it was bagpipe red plaid, frosting the cake with some Scottish Prima Nocta magic.
The Final Verse: Perez’s Pee Wee Herman-sized rims didn’t cut it in the end, and the Hilton went home to his virtual-reality gossip-fueled rocketship. Like a drowning man, Perez plugged his blog three times and alerted America to his new VH1 reality series. After the token montage of clips from his air-spanking Wilkinson to his one-drink limit version of “Funky Cold Medina,” Perez said, “People have a lot of preconceived notions of me and I was able to show a different side of myself.” There’s a thinker. Only a trinity of rappers are left on
CRS, so tune in next week to see which is the third wheel — and whose flow is fiercest.
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