The producers of American Idol think they can find The Next Great American Band on TV (and no, they’re not talking about the next great Grand Funk Railroad). We think we can find some pleasure in this pursuit with our Rock Reality Show Recaps. Here’s our third report:
Two Great American Reality Hours in Three Sentences: Two not-so-great American bands get voted off by the viewing audience (though given the pathetic ratings of this show, we should say “voted off the hypothetical viewing audience”). Douchetastic 2002-era grunge clowns the Likes Of You are all smiles when theyre sent home, but Maroon 5 funk-pop nightmare the Hatch are less that gracious in defeat: “Id like to say that America has spoken, but I cant really say that thats really true. I think about 300 people in Nebraska have spoken.” The ten remaining bands burn through the catalog of Elton John and Bernie Taupin, with very few leaving their comfort zone: country sextet Sixwire do a sappy version of the already sappy “Dont Let The Sun Go Down On Me”; metal tweeners Light of Doom do a rocking version of the already rocking “Saturday Nights All Right For Fighting”; sick pickers the Clark Brothers do a dopey version of the already dopey “Country Time.”
Best Great American Band: Franklin Bridge, of course. Their original “Loves Fool” was some mutant mix of Prince, Linkin Park, Living Colour and Nintendo. Their crunchy version of Elton’s “Philadelphia Freedom” skimped a bit on the triumphant chorus, but added a funkier-than-thou ending. Sheila E. tells the drummer not to overplay, thus corrupting the one interesting element of this entire show; and Dicko tells the band not to overarrange, to which lead singer Curt replies, “I dont know, I think the ladies love it.” Thousands of mid-Seventies high school virgins clutching Emerson, Lake and Palmer albums can be wrong.
Worst Great American Band: Sloppy gal rockers Rocket give “Rocket Man” a doofy Avril arrangement, and then perform it out-of-breath, out-of-tune and out-of-sync. Sheila breaks from her usual diplomatic candor: “My complaint is … those vocals are horrific. Theyre awful. Im sorry.” Extra special bonus suck points for Light of Doom for spending a week learning a song and not bothering to learn how to say Bernie Taupins name (“Bernie … Poppin?”)
Great American Non-Drama: Watching John Rzeznick get pissy with the audience, whove been booing his every word! Even the most benign comments. (“I wanna hear the whole song.” “Boo!”).
Best Dicko Diss: The Muggs perform a “Muggsified” version of “I Guess Thats Why They Call It The Blues” (muggsified, adj.: jaunty, nasal, annoying, completely out of your singing range). Or, as Dicko says: “like Bart Simpson on helium.”
[Photo: Getty]


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