What makes one artist retro and another just dated? How can acts like Hot Chip and Simian Mobile Disco recycle 80’s synth pop to great critical acclaim while other artists’ work just sounds old? Well, I put it to you that, like the majority of OAPs, old-sounding music just doesn’t have the energy.

Terminal Romance should be supplied with its own bus pass and nursing home brochure. There’s no passion, no power and no excitement, just formulaic rock that sounds tired. ‘Rock Ranger Record’ wants to be a punk rocker (with flowers in its hair) but the only detectable sign of anger and fire is in the alliterative growl of the title. Even lyrics like “your boyfriend’s a dick” fail to rouse this song from its afternoon nap-like state.

There’s the odd bit of interest spattered throughout the album. The circular rock-dick riff of ‘Tall Trees’ is catnip to the ears of Guitar Hero aficionados. Anyone who’s ever seen the opening credits of any CSI episode will recognise the influence of The Who in ‘Building a Boat’ but even then, Matt Mays doesn’t quite have the oomph to do these snippets of interest any justice.

Overall the album is dull and it drags. You’ll drift off quicker than your granddad can say “did I ever tell you the story…”.

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