Altsounds - The Firm - Original Motion Picture Soundtrack (Various Artists) [Album]

Historically, football and music have not always made the happiest of bedfellows. Over the years we’ve had to endure some particularly dreadful football tunes, we are talking‘Ossie’s Dream,’ ‘Back Home,’ ‘Three Lions' and possibly one of the worst songs ever to escape a recording studio, the execrable ‘Scouse Rap.’ It’s a fact of life that with one or two exceptions, footballers like crap music and marry crap singers. If you want further evidence of their lack of musical guile observe the recent high profile case of the England international who pre-emptively punched a DJ - who had just been elbowed in the face by one of the footballer’s friends - in self defence. It is alleged that the person in charge of the music at this particular nightspot had the temerity to refuse the footballers demands that the evening’s ambiance could be further enhanced with the additional input of music from Mr. Phil Collins no less. Now I don’t know about you but I would suggest that requesting Mr Collins music is far more deserving of a smack in the kisser than a refusal to play it.

And so it is against such a background that I come to review the soundtrack to a film that deals with football, violence and judging by the album cover, a fondness for gaudy synthetic day glow sportswear that makes The Teletubbies look positively monochrome. “The Firm” was originally a critically acclaimed TV movie from the 1980’s, a savage and biting polemic on the empty and avaricious get rich quick ethos of Thatcher’s Britain. It also featured a mesmerising performance from Gary Oldman as Bex, the sociopathic “loadsamoney” estate agent, who was in many ways a precursor to Fight Club’s Tyler Durden.

A quick glance at the soundtrack accompanying director Nick Love’s 2009 take on the movie would indicate that the political heart of the story has been ripped out, replaced by a pointless exercise in wankery from a director who in the past has stated "I'm not trying to be an art house filmmaker. I'm making films for the fucking chav generation.” It seems Love has completely missed the point of the original when he says:

Quote:

"I think if you get bogged down in the politics behind it all, it would play less as entertainment, which is what I'm aiming this at, you’ve got to have big fight scenes and lots of loud music"

And my, oh my, what utter crap that music is! The PR blurb states that “The Firm” Original Motion Picture Soundtrack accurately reflects “the sound of the streets” in 1984. I’m not quite sure to which streets exactly this statement pertains, but in musical terms this compilation is a complete dead end. What is interesting however is a film that deals primarily in machismo and violence has a soundtrack that could quite easily be entitled “The Campest 80’s Album in The World, Like, Ever.” It suggests that in 1984 your average hooligan’s rites of passage were not played out to say, the sonic fury of The Jesus and Mary Chain’s classic ‘Upside Down’ or the extreme noise terror of Napalm Death; no, your stereotypical yob would more likely be found happily kicking someone’s head in to the strains of 'Oops Upside Your Head' or Jermaine Jacksons 'Let’s Get Serious.' Amongst the camp disco and cringe worthy love songs the people responsible for this compilation throw in an occasional tune of merit. There’s the rather obvious choice of ‘A Town Called Malice,’ there’s ‘Tainted Love’ and ‘Mad World’ but on the whole the album is redolent with an over ripe stench of Camembert.

On reflection, the camp vibe that resonates throughout this album may actually make sense. I’m sure Sigmund Freud could produce a compelling thesis regarding the homoerotic nature of football. After all, many football chants are sung with great gusto to the tune of the Village People's gay anthem ‘Go West’ and young men scampering about a green rectangle in tight shorts who are “strong in the tackle” are much admired.

In conclusion and having not seen Love’s take on ‘The Firm’ it’s possible that this soundtrack is employed to devastatingly good effect throughout the movie, alas as a CD in isolation there’s very little on it that you couldn’t find on any number of 80’s pop compilations. If you however you have a craving to hear The Rock Steady Crew, Man Parish or The O’Jays and you like your 80’s music camp, unchallenging and cheesy then this lacklustre compilation may well be manna from heaven. If you really decide that you simply must purchase a soundtrack from a movie based on “the beautiful game” then you could do worse than get yourself a copy of the far superior “Awaydays” soundtrack.

Personally I found “The Firm” Original Motion Picture Soundtrack to be about as exciting as listening to Clive Tyldesley narrating “The History Of Creosote: A Preservative To Be Reckoned With” on a wet Tuesday....in February....